05 December 2006

BREAKING NEWS: Bill O'Reilly Has Become Easier To Make Fun Of Than The Fat Kid In High School Who Wears Dracula Capes

This is old news in most circles, but I just had to take aim at Bill O'Reilly's latest bon mot. His new book "Culture Warrior" is just the latest in his selfless fight in a war that no one has ever heard of or has any concern about. Here is a quote from the Random House synopsis:

"Bill O’Reilly is the very embodiment of the idea of a Culture Warrior—and in this book he lives up to the title brilliantly, with all the brashness and forthrightness at his command. He sees that America is in the midst of a fierce culture war between those who embrace traditional values and those who want to change America into a “secular-progressive” country. This is a conflict that differs in many ways from the usual liberal/conservative divide, but it is no less heated, and the stakes are even higher."

How about that last sentence? The stakes are even higher! There's nothing more important going on right now in our lives than some imagined affront by fag-lib-hippies on "American Values."

Forget about how you feel about Bill O'Reilly politically for a second and just think about how truly conspicuous his tactics are. He just has to break things down to war.

There can be no nuanced debate or meeting of the minds when it comes to things like societal differences. Nor can there be from the extreme right, as can happen with the left (check out the Dali Llama), any sense of conducting yourself however you feel appropriate and staying out of everyone else's business.

I just can not stand it when over payed clowns (i.e. Actors, Sports Stars, Pundits) start really buying there own bullshit. Oh, and Bill, lose the RUG and the windbreaker!

28 November 2006

Bush Speaks To NATO In Strange Code, Sounds Like Adults on Charlie Brown Cartoons

Check out this Washington Post story. The gist of it is that President Bush is committing yet again to extended U.S. military presence in Iraq (i.e. getting the job done).

It's funny that this still seems to be his approach, since he never said "Stay the Course." Nor did anyone on his staff. No one has ever said that ever. Not in the history of humankind. Ever!

But let's see how many clever euphemisms for "Stay the Course" we can find in the above story.

Happy Hunting.

Oh, and by the way...

21 November 2006

Bat-Shit Televangelist Of The Week!



If you want your average scumbagness of any old Televangelist mixed with a bizarre interest in asassination of foriegn dignitaries, then look no further than Pat Robertson.

POST SCRIPT:
Did you know his real first name is Marion? Marion! A little queer? Could be!

Michael Richards SERIOUSLY Looses His Shit



Find the TMZ story and his apology here...

POST SCRIPT:

I got nothing!


UPDATE:

Apology On David Letterman.


...So Goes The Nation...I Guess

Hey! I've got a whacky idea for the ultra-Liberals out there. Stop throwing together amateurish documentaries. Seriously. For the love of Krishna! I can't take it anymore. You can chuck a rock and hit a leftist slide show with the same oogy music and tumultuous voice-overs that the conservatives use.

Propaganda is an awesome way to do nothing but loose credibility for your ideology with those who disagree and angry up the blood of those who don't.

So, if there's an actual angle to your film and you have more than $250 to spend, by all means, throw something together. But if the working title and plot for your film is "Bush Bites The Big One" leave it well enough alone!

POST SCRIPT:

Using stock footage of interviews with important people and cutting between them from word to word to create a sentence is a dead giveaway. You will never get me to believe that Ann Coulter, Condi Rice, Henry Kissinger and Tom Delay all came together to voice the opinion that: "Bush...Is...A...Nazi...Damnit"

Michael Savage Is A Conservative Nut and Really Likes Drinking Piss

Michael Savage is a de-facto trigger man for the extreme right wing. He hosts a radio program and appears once in a while on...you guessed it, Fox News. He has carved himself out a nice little niche by simultaneously appealing to the Ann Coulter/Laura Ingraham crowd and moderate liberals and libertarians by coining the term 'compassionate conservative.'

Yes, we can thank him for Bush's campaign slogan. And it has turned out to be quite true, has it not? I mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting something compassionate a neo-con has accomplished.

But don't be fooled. Savage is radical anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-women's rights and, as are many neo-cons....anti-critical thinking. That can be the only explanation for this:

"'Oh, there’s a billion of them (Muslims).' I said, 'So, kill 100 million of them (radicalist Muslims); then there'd be 900 million of them.' I mean...would you rather us die than them?...Would you rather we disappear or we die? Or would you rather they disappear and they die? Because you’re going to have to make that choice sooner rather than later."
Ahhhhh, the subtlety I've grown to expect. Let's hope Savage doesn't hurt his back while he's drawing that line in the sand. He's not nearly as funny as Coulter or Limbaugh. He's one of the ones that seems a little dangerous.

20 November 2006

RANTLINGS: ONE

CHRISTIANITY

Like it or not the most overriding divisive issue in this country is Christianity. I say Christianity and not the umbrella term 'Religion' so many feel so safe with because if ever I can remember any aspect of my life in a socio-political sense being effected by a religious philosophy, it has been Christianity.

If you analyze in any serious way the main concerns of our country's collective unconscious you end up with a lengthy list of issues all deriving themselves in one way or another from a Christian point of view.

At the top of that list is the war in Iraq. There has been an endless stream of musings on the topic and many political analysts with undeniably louder bells than mine have weighed in on why we are there or what our strategy should be.

But more and more it seems that things have been broken down. The radical Christians in this country are being threatened by the radical Muslims abroad. Islam is being touted as an inherently violent religion and a danger to the American way of life simply as a result of its existence.

That may be true if we're to call a spade a spade. Perhaps violence and radicalism are ever bound to the Muslim faith and the two simply can not be separated. But if that argument is to be made, it must also be made in the name of Christianity. For no one who knows any history about Christianity or any other religion of the last thousand years can deny that one constant in the struggle for that belief to claim power is the elimination of its competition.

It is looking more and more lately like the war between the West and the Middle-East is the last new crusade. And just another battle between the forces of 'good' and 'good' that will leave the streets stained a shade of crimson.

However, if any of the issues currently facing our country is only abstractly related to Christianity, it is Iraq.

At the forefront of the battle between the Christ-faithful and the seculars are two main issues: The rights of homosexuals and abortion question.

It seems to me that the resistance of our civilization to the introduction of the homosexual as anything but a second class citizen is the last stand in the ever ongoing battle for a Human's individual rights.

No argument has been made with any moxy behind it for a downside to homosexuality as a part of the human condition that wasn't born out of a Christian belief that sexual relationships should only be between a man and a woman.

It seems still, at this point, that a majority of Americans don't want gays afforded the same rights as everyone else. People seem to be fine with voicing that opinion; and to voice it rather loudly with little regard for the positions of others around them.

That makes the homophobic philosophy seem a not-to-distant echo of the opinions voiced in the South during the civil rights movement about blacks, or the opinion's voiced during women's suffrage about the uppity 'second class.' And perhaps it is not too far a leap to think that maybe it is not so much the homosexual part of the equation that leads to the separation, but the fundamentalist Christian one. The Christian one that seems to need some other group to target and to separate and to destroy.

If any issue dividing us, though, is long over due to boil over, it is certainly abortion. And when it comes right down to it the abortion argument is all about trying to agree on what is alive and what is not.

The only criteria I have heard for life in the Christian mind-set is everything. From the moment the sperm meets the egg, it is life. But that begs the question, why do we not have funerals for miscarriages? Why do we not mourn the loss of the 500 million or so sperm in each ejaculation that never reach an egg? Why is a candle not lit for each egg flushed out of a woman's body during her period?

And while these questions may sound patronizing, they are ultimately an illustration of the issue. The real issue that divides us on all the above questions. And that is: What is your tolerable aesthetic moral level? And I do mean aesthetic. Because morals are almost as meaningless as obscenity, vulgarity, profanity and pornography.

They are aesthetic standards because there are no set criteria for them to be judged. And it is always, always pointless to argue an aesthetic moral issue because every one's tolerance level is different; whether you are like me and have a set of morals built on experience or you are a Christian and your morals are derived from the word of your God.

It might not be so bad for everyone to think about that once and a while. And when little things come up like the phrase "In God We Trust" on our money or the section "One Nation Under God" in our pledge, just remember that it is important to know just whose God that means or if it means one at all.

And remember the truly great thing about this country on paper. You know the paper I mean. The one that states that you have no right to impose your God on me, no matter what. It also says, if you look closely, that as long as it doesn't interfere with Government, or my life, I have no right to take your God away from you. Nor would I want to if I could.

There is a balance to be found. There is a path to coexistence. And while I am picking on the Christian's a little, I am also looking at the seculars. There needs to be a little give on both ends. You can't have coexistence without being able to admit you might be wrong. And while agreeing to disagree might not be possible, agreeing to not make any more bombs should be a more than fair middle ground.

17 November 2006

War On Christmas 2006!

Remember this?



Guess what time it is kids? I don't know about you, but I'm psyched. Let's all figure out other ways to give the Christian right (who have more than a fair shake in almost every aspect of American life) a harder time this year.

Anybody up for burning a Nativity Scene? No? That has never happened? So where does the war part come in? Do we secular liberals have a game plan? No! We're too busy opening gifts and getting fat on Turkey.

I may not believe that Jesus was born on December, 25 uhhh 0001. But I can certainly sample the rewards. Ain't America grand that way.

The Daily Show Funny Watch: Day Number 2,555


Still Fucking Hilarious!

16 November 2006

BREAKING NEWS: Fed's Reach A New Socio-Political Low (I Know, I Was Surprised Too)

According to the new Department of Agriculture's report on American's access to food no one is hungry. That's right. People who have trouble eating, and therefore staying 'alive', are no longer hungry because the term isn't 'scientific' enough.

Henceforth, those Americans who are 'starving' aren't really starving. Wait for it...they have a "very low food security."

"Mark Nord, the lead author of the report, said "hungry" is "not a scientifically accurate term for the specific phenomenon being measured in the food security survey." Nord, a USDA sociologist, said, "We don't have a measure of that condition."

The USDA said that 12 percent of Americans -- 35 million people -- could not put food on the table at least part of last year. Eleven million of them reported going hungry at times. Beginning this year, the USDA has determined "very low food security" to be a more scientifically palatable description for that group."


COMMENTARY:

Call me old fashioned, but maybe it would be more time-effective to not gather a brain-trust to generate a lifeless euphemism for 'hungry' and to find starving people some fucking food. Who gives a shit what would be a more scientifically palatable description.

Mmmmm, bureaucracy. Like a bucket of wet shit in your face.



The Federal Government Lifeless Euphemism Countdown:

1) Then: "Shell Shock" Now: "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder"

2) Then: "American Citizen" Now: "Unlawful Enemy Combatant"

3) Then: "Muslim" Now: "Living Challenged"

4) Then: "Starving" Now: "Very Low Food Security"

5) Now: "Rape Victim" Soon: "Unwilling Semen Recipient"

CNN's Glenn Beck Is A Degenerate Prick!

It's always warm and cuddly to be reminded how tolerant and accepting white, rich, American men can be. Glenn Beck is now the number one douchebag on T.V. Without exception. Go here to find out why. Then...I don't know. Well, yeah...you'll probably need a shower.

POST SCRIPT:

I'm walking away from this post shaking my head in disbelief. Fuck Glenn Beck!

Drunken Frat Boy Sues Borat; Borat Still Thinks Sex Is "Very Niiice!"

PIGBOYLAND, November 13, 2006 -- Justin Seay, 24, one of the many unwitting co-stars of the new film "Borat," is one of two former fraternity members to file suit last week against the comedy's producers and Twentieth Century Fox.

Justin Seay's grandmother was so shocked at the news that she spent an hour beating her 'boy' who does odd-jobs for her around the house. He was only ever referred to as "Boy" and a proper name was never obtained.

A drunken Seay appears in the film with two fellow Chi Psi frat brothers, and the boisterous trio acquits themselves exactly as you'd expect. In the suit, Seay contends that last October the "Borat" crew got him and his pals drunk and encouraged them to engage in "behavior that they otherwise would not have engaged in."

When asked to comment, some other jar headed motherfuckers from the Chi Psi Fraternity said: "WHOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then showed our reporter their asses without being asked to do so. They had been drinking for around thirty-nine hours straight.

The amount being sought in damages in the suit is thus far unknown.


COMMENTARY:

So what? Fuck this guy and all his 'roughneck,' no-brain, meat headed, beer swilling friends. If you drink to excess and perform in front of a camera I have no sympathy for you. Alcohol only ever makes you act more like yourself. And these fucking guys were sub-human.

They weren't physically harmed in any way nor were they debased of their basic human rights. I wonder if this guy has ever 'taken advantage' (i.e. fucked like a pig) a girl while she was drunk and/or otherwise incapacitated. (Answer: of Course). I wonder what she thinks of this suit. Can she still feel his diseased cracker seed running down her thigh? Fuck him!

13 November 2006

Bat-Shit Televangelist Of The Week

Franklin Graham. That's right, I said it. I have the utmost respect for the man's father, but Franklin a Billy don't make. I couldn't find anything hardcore to outright prove the man's bat-shit status. But it's out there. You mark my words!

09 November 2006

There's Creepy, Then There's Creepy, Then...There's This


Check out the site for this here.

"The Father Daughter Purity Ball is a memorable ceremony for daughters to pledge commitments to purity and their fathers to pledge commitments to protect their girls. Because we cherish our daughters as regal princesses—for 1 Peter 3:4 says they are “precious in the sight of God”—we want to treat them as royalty."

COMMENTARY:

If this ain't the more frightening real life version of "Arrested Developement's" 'MOTHERBOY', I don't know what is. Maybe...maybe this thing is completely innocent. But seriously, why invite the countless (and I mean countless) daddy's little girl jokes? As for that Amy Fisher Photo...Well. How do you think she got to be who she was?

08 November 2006

God Hates Funny, Apparently

Movieguide.org is a film review and right-wing conservative opine dumping ground run by Dr.? Ted Baehr. I've been reading it on and off for a while for a good laugh, but check out this review of BORAT. I learned two things from this review and hopefully I can imparte them.

1: I had no idea God was incapable of grasping satire (good to know)

2: Since when did crazy fundamentalist Christians have a problem with anti-semitism.

"plus man feigns gross anti-Semitism to see how many American's will agree with him"
No, no, no. They don't just agree. They up the anti. Shouldn't the question be why do so many American's agree with him? And not just in the movie. Check out the show. Borat lets people be who they are. And most people truly suck!

COMMENTARY:

Jesus-Tapdancing-Christ

(THANKS TO "ALWAYS-RIGHT" Josh FOR THE TIP)


Joseph McCarthy, Bill O'Reilly, Pat Buchanan: Still Evil, After All These Years



Same person? Maybe. Probably, this is just how evil makes you look. Coincidence? I Think Not. No way. No How!

Rumsfeld Resigns As Sec. Of Defense; To Early For A Blood Orgy?

Ding, Dong Donnies Dead. Now, now. Let us not be of such good cheer. This guy, Robert Gates, will likely replace him. He, eh-hem, had a big hand in the Iran-Contra scandal. Meh!

Dems Take Back House and Probably Senate; GOP Licking It's Wounds and Who Knows What Else


MIRACLELAND, November 8, 2006 -- With a majority of landslide victories the Democratic party has taken back the House of Representatives, most Gubernatorial positions and probably the Senate.

Many have sighted the GOP's towering reign of stupidity and malfeasance as the overriding reason for the Democrat's sweep this election day.

Many others moved swiftly past over-thinking the win and straight to calls for the tar and feathering of most of the outgoing Republican politicians.

"By early morning, Democrats had picked up at least 28 seats in the House, leaving them firmly in control. The balance of power in the Senate rested on a knife-edge, with one race in Virginia remained too close to call.

The realignment brought an end to the long-held Republican dream of a permanent majority in Washington.

“We’re going to take a two-year hiatus,” Representative Tom Reynolds, chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee, told reporters at a morning press briefing."

Many, the staff of Kilroy among them, are on our way to do a little jig on the grave of the former GOP majority.

This included HNIC Belvedere who had this to say: "We will move swiftly on to Washington where we will prepare to hold the new Democratic majority's feet to the fire on every god damn thing. I suggest you do the same!"

IN OTHER NEWS:

Hannity, O'Reilly, Scarborough Still Douche-Bags!

06 November 2006

Former KKK Grand Wizard (giggle) Dies In Prison, Remaining Sheeted Clowns Are Real Sad

Samuel H. Bowers, 82, is dead and gone. He served as the truly homo-erotic sounding 'Grand Wizard' of the Ku Klux Klan in the late sixties.

He was convicted of the 1966 bombing death of Vernon Dahmer, who fought for black rights during Mississippi's struggle for racial equality and civil rights. The 1998 trail resulted in a life sentence.

"Earlier trials for Mr. Bowers, including at least two before all-white juries, ended in mistrials. A 1968 jury split 11 to 1 in favor of guilty, and a 1969 jury split 10 to 2 in favor of conviction."

Bowers was responsible for founding the White Knights of the K.K.K. the uber-militant off shoot of the racist, sexist, GAY, GAY, GAY organization that was primarily responsible for the worst of the terrorism during the South's 1960's civil rights movement.

One can only hope that before dying of heart disease Bowers had the supreme honor of being alternately sodomized by two or three five hundred pound black men named Tyree or some variation thereof.

I am not in favor of cruel and unusual punishment, but you got to admit, the irony is supreme.

05 November 2006

Saddam Hussein Sentence To Death Today...SO (fuckng) WHAT?!

DENIALVILLE, November 5, 2006 -- Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death by hanging in Iraq today. He was convicted of crimes against humanity for the brutal repression of a Shiite town in the 1980’s.

"As the chief judge read aloud the verdict, a defiant Mr. Hussein shouted, “Long live the people! Long live the Arab nation! Down with the spies!” He thrust his finger emphatically into the air as he spoke, then repeatedly chanted, “God is great!”

The judge, Raouf Rasheed Abdul Rahman, tried to calm Mr. Hussein down. “There’s no point,” Mr. Rahman told him.

The verdict, under Iraqi law, will immediately be submitted to an appellate court, which will begin its review within a month, officials said.

Still, today’s verdict represented a moment of triumph and catharsis for many Iraqis after decades of suffering under Mr. Hussein’s tyrannical rule.

Spontaneous celebrations broke out across Iraq in spite of an around-the-clock curfew imposed on the capital and other regions. People fired pistols and assault rifles into the air in a common gesture of jubilation. Residents of Sadr City, a Shiite bastion in northeastern Baghdad, flooded the streets in defiance of a curfew, whooping and dancing and sounding car horns. Even some Shiite police officers joined in the revelry, firing their weapons in the air."


COMMENTARY: Anybody else not feel any better about the situation? Huh? No one? I didn't fucking think so! It's meaningless at this point. It means nothing. It might, or might not, actually mean anything to Iraqis who were actually terrorized by the man, but they are just seeking revenge.

Is that, now, supposed to make any American's feel any better about how things are going? It doesn't to me. It's just another dead Iraqi. There have been too many already. Yes, I'm going on record! There is no reason to kill Saddam!


Bat-Shit Televangelist Of The Week

Benny Hinn! It's an oldy, but a goody. He's been giving Christians a bad name since before I was born. Kudos!

01 November 2006

Henry Kissinger Wishes As He Was Really As Cool As He Was Portrayed By Paul Sorvino

It has been more and more exposed lately, particularly in Bob Woodward's new book, that Henry Kissinger has had a huge hand in helping the Bush White House plan Iraq.
(Former U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger met regularly with Bush and Cheney to offer advice on the War in Iraq. Kissinger confirmed in recorded interviews with Woodward that the advice was the same as he had given in an August 12, 2005 column in the Washington Post: "Victory over the insurgency is the only meaningful exit strategy.")I don't know about you, but I see nothing wrong with that.
It's not as if Kissinger planned some other 'war'. Some war that is almost Universally looked upon as a farce and a tragedy. Some other war that polarized a nation and caused death in our streets to parallel the death abroad. Some other war that started with a "V" and ended in "Ietnam".

If you don't know what I'm getting at, help yourself to a fucking history book!

Here's a quote (no bullshit) from the man himself: "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer."

Soooooooo not scary. Right?

The Onion Opens A Baptist Church Website...I Guess

Sweet Fancy Moses! We's All Gonna Be Sav-ed! Landover Baptist Church, where the smiting gets done.

Breaking NEWS: Rick Santorum Wants Your Dreams To Come Crashing Down


Rick Santorum hates happiness almost as much as women, Jews and the fact that the 'niggers' have their own television station (apologies to David Cross).

He wants to taste your tears. He wants to be bathed in them. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Tony Snow Has No Catty, Bitchy Ties To Fox News Or The GOP...No, Seriously!

District of Cumfuckmia, October 31, 2006 -- Tony Snow had to be heavily sedated on Friday because of a recent PR feud with Senator John Kerry.

Snow was apparently so hurt by the comments made by Kerry that he had to be coaxed from behind the press-room podium with a lollipop. He had been crying in the fetal position for over thirteen hours.

After his favorite 'banky' had been fetched and his mother had been called in to stroke his hair, he seemed to calm down a bit.

The incident began when Kerry commented about the U.S. currently being "Stuck in Iraq." Everyone who was there and anyone who has a brain knew Kerry was speaking of the Bush Administration and not the troops.

Snow, however, had this to say: "As for the notion that you can say this sort of thing about the troops and say you support them, it's interesting."

Kerry then fired back:
"I apologize to no one for my criticism of the president and of his broken policy. I'm not going to be lectured by a stuffed suit White House mouthpiece standing behind a podium."

Snow was too overcome by really, really girly tears to respond. He was still sucking his thumb at press-time.

Bat-Shit Televangelist Of The Week

All Hail! Ernest Angley... I could do these posts every week for the next seventy years and I hope I never run into something as truly reprehensible as this!

Fuck This Man! Fuck Him Every Which-Way Until His Leavings Are Nothing But Bone-Marrow and Blood. This is when shitty televangelism stops being funny and starts being dangerous.

POST SCRIPT: In the above picture, check out this dude's friggin' rug. Muhammad himself would rip on that thing.

30 October 2006

President's Top Advisor And Resident White House Morningstar, Karl Rove, Communes With Dark Prince


Enough said. Go here for an interesting story. Type "Karl Rove" into Google, pick a link, and bask in the rotten carcasses and VD infected menstrual blood that the above man subsists on. Evilness. And not the cool "Black Sabbath" kind.

26 October 2006

Tennesee Rupublicans Won't Stand For Uppity Negroes; Incest Still "Pretty Cool" There


CLUSTERFUCK, TN October 25, 2006 -- The GOP Has responded to criticism over a recent attack ad regarding prospective Democratic Congressman Harold Ford with the kind of candor and sensitivity you would expect...absolutely none.

The original attack ad, which basically took subtle (not so subtle) jabs at Ford for being...what do you call that? Oh yeah, BLACK! Was heavily criticized as overtly racist and unfounded.

They also accused Ford in the (recently pulled, despite RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman's claim that it was an independent ad and had nothing to do with him) of laying responsibility of fixing Iraq on Canada, taking money from pornographers, and being SUPER into uber-skanky white chicks.

Some random inbred fuck had this to say: "I knows how them thar Southerners get theirs bees alls in a bonnet when some uppity Negro goes after a Cracker Girl."

By "them thar Southerners" I assume he was referring to himself.

The GOP has replaced this monstrosity with another ad, this one on radio, which features the token deep throated narration and scary noises. They also chose to include rhythmic African drum beats in the background, which has nothing to do with the GOP still attempting to incite and terrorize the South with fear of the black man thereby polarizing the poorest class and forcing them to vote ignorance.

POST SCRIPT:
That last sentence only works 'cause it's opposite day.

NJ Opens Door To Same Sex Marriages; Remaining American Bigots Sure To Cry Tears Of Fury


SOPRANOSLAND, NJ October 26, 2006 -- In a massive blow to the egos of the country's remaining out and out bigots (homophobes) New Jersey's Supreme Court has decided that gay people are afforded the same rights and privileges as every other citizen.

Many who have long heralded homosexuality and the homosexual agenda as a breeding ground for the collapse of the American family are sure to shed a few very, very queer tears at the news.

Leading Conservative Douche bag and Pill-Popper Extraordinaire Rush Limbaugh had this to say: "See this is what I'm talking about. Let Hollywood run their faggy movies and you get a California where queers can sodomize any...Wait, this happened in New Jersey? Well, I'll take a shot in the mouth."

Many of the left, including Radio Host Russ Leiber were overjoyed at the news. "Gays are castigated and bashed in this country. It's strange. It's not as if we have a history of hating a group of people because they were born a certain way."

Mr. Leiber then remembered Slavery, Segregation, Anti-Semitism, Japanese Internment Camps, Women's Suffrage, and unfounded Islamist bigotry. He subsequently had a severe temporal Aneurysm and fell dead.

He will be missed.

24 October 2006

Breaking News: President Bush Is SUPER Scarred Of 14 Year Old Girls

WTFSBVille -- October 24, 2006 In a shocking turn today the world has discovered that the secret service doesn't know the difference between a terrorist/enemy combatant/threat and a fourteen year old school girl.

The secret service removed the girl from her school class and interrogated her for fifteen minutes regarding her website which contained a cartoon with the words: "Kill The President" on a certain portion.

A.C.L.U. Legal Analyst Shep Bernburgstein had this to say: "Get the fuck outta here!"

Analysts and Professors from all over the country have stated that it is perfectly legal and in fact necessary for the secret service and homeland security to follow up on these sorts of things in order to prevent assassinations and terrorist attacks.

"I mean, come on! For real. She is totally a terrorist!" Said the girl's schoolyard rival and opponent in the upcoming cheer leading squad captain race, Betsy Thompkins.

Though many think this comment was less motivated by facts then by Betsy's jealousy over her relatively minuscule bosom in comparison to the accused girl's rapidly developing sweater meat.

COMMENTARY:
I understand perfectly that threatening the president, yelling "fire" in a crowded movie theater and telling a stewardess you have a bomb is illegal. But that has real consequences in the present and no one has any way of knowing whether the threat is legitimate.

However, in this case, when the girl was tracked down, and her pony and Orlando Bloom poster laden room was searched, I think it should have been clear to one and all, that she was less a terrorist than maybe just getting her first period. Or...she is, like a lot of us, pissed off with the way of things.

Bat-Shit Televangelist Of The Week



Kerney "MotherFucking" Thomas. Amen, Brother! Amen!

23 October 2006

60 Minutes and Leslie Stahl Completely Miss The Point; 60 Minutes The Sexier Of The Two

BLANDLAND, October 23, 2006 -- On Sunday night's 60 Minutes Leslie Stahl, the ever shining bastion of hard-news, filed a piece regarding Nancy Pelosi's uncouth comments about President Bush and The GOP.

The staff at Kilroy Got Pigeonholed would like to be the first to congratulate Stahl, the whole crack reporting team at sixty minutes and other news outlets for not letting partisanship or sensationalism get in the way of the real story.

It is far more important to go after an incumbent Democratic Congresswoman for being uncivil and unfair when going after the GOP for being 'immoral' and 'corrupt' instead of investigating the facts surrounding the corruption and immorality.

Nancy Pelosi is claiming that if she is made Speaker of the House (and third in line for the presidency) she will bring civility back to the Congress.

Firstly: Civility waved by-by to Washington before it was even a District (of Columbia)

Secondly: ....there is no secondly. Civility is about 112th on the list of things that Washington needs to fix right behind the deodorant its hookers use.

18 October 2006

Iraq News-Flash: Nine Out Of Ten Iraqis Think Things Are Going To Hell; Also That The Tenth Guy Is An Artard

Wichita, October 15, 2006 -- In recent weeks the Bush administration has been playing a never ending game of hide and go seek, according to many who think.

According to an anonymous White House insider, "It's Bush's favorite game. They play it with each other and with reports from Iraq. It's not the actual 'you go hide and I'll look for you thing' the President just puts his hands in front of his face and thinks everything has disappeared."

Many of the "faggy-lib-hippies" who still think the war was a bad idea point to this unending hide and seek game as the reason the administration is unable to admit any wrong-doing or malfeasance with regards to Iraq.

"Hindsight is 20/20." Said the same WH official. "But it doesn't work if you're a peekaboo junky"

17 October 2006

Bat-Shit Televangelist Of The Week


Robert Tilton. And When I say bat-shit...I Mean bat-shit. Scumbagorama.

BREAKING NEWS: P.E.T.A. Is Fucking Goofy!

Direct Quote From Peta's Website, In The Frequently Asked Question Section:

" “What rights should animals have?”

Animals should have the right to equal consideration of their interests. For instance, a dog most certainly has an interest in not having pain inflicted on him or her unnecessarily. We are, therefore, obliged to take that interest into consideration and to respect the dog’s right not to have pain unnecessarily inflicted upon him or her. However, animals don’t always have the same rights as humans because their interests are not always the same as ours, and some rights would be irrelevant to animals. For instance, a dog doesn’t have an interest in voting and, therefore, doesn’t have the right to vote because that right would be as meaningless to a dog as it is to a child." "

I Believe The Word You're Looking For Is: "Whaaaaaaaaa?"

IN OTHER NEWS: Most of the world understands very well that dogs have no interesting in voting, because they...well, don't know what voting is, why it is performed, nor can they identify the individual letters in the word 'voting' because they can't read or write. And that's a good thing, because they would probably think the above PETA statement is a moronic as I do and be writing a very similar blog post.

Here's a Frequently Asked Question for PETA's website: Where on your site is the human geo-sociological issue addressed? (i.e. why is it so bad that animal testing saves human lives and that many people in the world have to slaughter animals to not starve to death) Humans are more important than animals! Deal with it!

POST SCRIPT:
"Whaaaaaa?"

09 October 2006

North Korea Detonates Nuclear Weapon, Kim Jong-il Still Worlds Most Underrated Elvis Impersonater


KALAMAZOO, Monday, Oct. 9 - In a move that came as a surprise to anyone who has never ever thought...ever, North Korea detonated a nuclear weapon early Monday morning...or late Sunday night, depending on your point of view and current time zone.

Senior White House officials had this to say: "Fuuuuuu#*!"

Many in the circles of Washington power stopped on a dime at the news and realized suddenly that we are currently fighting a war with a 'country' that has been shown conclusively to have never possessed nuclear (pronounced nucular, I guess...) weapons.

"Evil dooers come in all shapes and sizes." Said President Bush at an early press conference. "But they never have anything dangerous."

He was also quick to remind one and all, "I am the Decider!"

In related news, Sean Hannity is still kind of a douche bag...

POST SCRIPT:
Kim Jong-il is obsessed with all cinema, including western westerns. Maybe we should take another look at "The Man From Laramie" to see if he's running the "beans and saddles" nuclear terrorism playbook.

08 October 2006

Bat-Shit Televangelist Of The Week


And the winner is...Peter Popoff. Congrats to the big guy over here. Apologies to the big guy upstairs! You know who you are.

My Monday Morning Commentary (That Was Almost Alliteration, Ain't I Something?)


Ann Coulter has long been accused of lesbian vampirism. At least I like to think so. In actuality she is just a plain old, run of the mill white, rich, racist, glory-whore. Hearing a rant of hers used to make my blood boil and my eyes go red. Sometimes I would ejaculate blood involuntarily and vomit ectoplasm after just hearing her name. Needless to say, I had my carpet cleaned often.

But in the shower the other day, something struck me (it's a womb thing). She's kind of a clown. She's really a clown. A sad-faced clown who smells like lindburgher (sic?) cheese and really, really old bacon, but a clown none-the-less.

I don't know about you, but I don't sweat the opinions of clowns. Even an evil clown. I didn't bat an eye during "Vulgar" and had nothing but positivity and love for "Homey" the Clown. I never cared what their opinions or politics were. I didn't mind them being uncouth or vulgar. That's what I loved about them.

So I got to thinking. Maybe, in a sense, I really, really like Ann Coulter. Like, a lot. And as nauseating as that may be, it makes some sense. Stop thinking of Coulter as a Pundit, or Political Analyst. She's not. She's engaged in a never ending performance art piece. And if we qualify it in that way, she's a fucking genius.

I dig genius. So I'm not going to sweat her any more. She's just white noise...window dressing. The people in our country who really affect change don't take her seriously. Why should we? The people who pay any attention to her views and presentation are the same people who spend at least a few hours a day on where Waldo is.

She if you ever run in to Ann Coulter (she haunts the kink bars in New York) do me a favor. Walk right up to her and shake her hand. And tell her you think she's hilarious and adorable. And ask her how long it took to develop her act...and if she does Bar Mitzvahs.

What better to annoy her with?

07 October 2006

Keith Olbermann Sprouts Wings And Ascends To Heaven; Pat Robertson "Really Jealous"


Keith Olbermann ascended in his human form to heaven today. Many on the left have pointed to this as proof that he was Christly and had served his earthly purpose. It has been speculated, however, that it was simply a stunt involving ropes and pulleys devised by the Neo-Cons and the GOP to both swing belief back in the direction of Christian mythology and eliminate Olbermann who has become a rather large thorn in their sides as of late.

It wouldn't be the first time our friends on the right have used some manner of outrageous stunt in a thinly veiled attempt at ousting Olbermann. This tact, however, had been previously under used.

When reached for comment Pope John Paul II had this to say: "HUhhhhuhhhhhhuhhhh?! (sic)" It was only after that that our office recalled he has been dead for some time. Those still living at the Vatican were unavailable to comment at press times.

POST SCRIPT:
Bill O'Reilly once confused a loofa with a falafel (sic) while sexually harassing a former female Fox News producer. Tsssst... When do you suppose "The No Spin Zone: For Sexual Harassers" will be on the shelves?

06 October 2006

GOP Makes Mark Foley Engage In Illicit E-Mails With Bob Novak, Foley "Kinda Turned On"...



The GOP is circling the wagons in response to Florida Rep. Representative Mark Foley's recent little boo-boo. Setting partisan-ship and the looming Congressional election aside House Republicans have showed incredible zeal in their efforts to correct the situation and openly expose any and all who attempted to cover up Foley's sexually explicit IM conversations with underage male Congressional pages.

Equally moving is Foley's recent decision to perpetually don a crown of thorns. This has come as a surprise to many who feel that Foley won't be so much martyrd, as forgiven and shuffled into a cushy job at a lobbying firm somewhere. The thorns were especially poignant to one of the underage pages whom Foley had E-molested. "I always heard him talk about his 'thorn.' I never knew it was a whole crown. I just figured he meant he was playing with his co**"

His 'co** indeed.

POST SCRIPT:
W.O.W.!

21 February 2006

British Historian "Dumbass" Denies Holocaust, Receives 3 Years In Austrian Prison

Stuffy, stupid, arrogant, coke-ridden, fat, whoremonger. No, that isn't Rush Limbaugh's current Resume. That is a description of equally conservative British 'historian' David Irving who has been jailed in Austria for denying the commonly accepted records of the Holocaust, going as far as to state publicly that there were no gas chambers at Auschwitz. Now, if this dickhead were in the U.S. I'd have a problem with his imprisonment. But as far as I know, Austria doesn't have a first amendment. So let 'em fry the shithead.

Oh, and by the way, like all conservative "idealists" he was quick to change his views on the Holocaust once he discovered he was facing up to ten years in prison.

16 February 2006

As 10th Anniversary of The Fox News Channel Nears, Hack Bill O'Reilly Celebrates 10 Billionth Time Wrong

Bill O'Reilly celebrated his ten billionth time being wrong today in a stunning display of idiocy. Many on the left dismissed this momentous occasion as nothing more than a stunt intended to bring more attention to Fox News's upcoming tenth anniversary on the air. Progressive Radio Host Phil Lamman had this to say: "It's nothing more than bells and whistles at this point. No regular human being could ever possibly be wrong so consistently. O'Reilly is either functionally retarded, or an alien."

Many in the news world have long suspected O'Reilly of actually being Klomanid 6 of the God's Eye nebula, but have been unable to solidify any evidence thus far. One thing is for sure though, Bill O'Reilly's talents at misinformation, manipulation, distortion and ignorance are out of this world.

Conservative Draws Head Out Of Own Ass, Shocked To Learn Everything Still Smells Like Shit

A local conservative man today removed his head from his ass for the first time since current President Bush was 'elected' in 2000. He remarked at a press conference that he was horrified upon smelling a rose bush that it smelled like shit. After smelling various pungent items from potpourri to ammonia, he stated that he hopes to smell something other than shit by 2008.


In related news, Ted Stevens, the republican Alaskan Senator was caught in an embarrassing situation today when he was finally caught by a local man whom he'd been pissing on for over a year. The man, who asked to remain anonymous, said he'd felt the constant moisture on his back and had asked Ted Stevens about it, but that he let the matter go when Mr. Stevens assured him it was just raining. No word on what charges will be filed and when.

Nazi Rally Ruined When "Nazis" Realize They Are Neither German, Nor Workers

The American Nazi (or German Worker) party suffered tragedy today when leading party members came to the stunning realization that not one member was German or a "worker". Several members are currently collecting unemployment and/or welfare and are taking advantage of the experience to gain ammunition for their argument about the laziness of Hispanics and Blacks. Young new recruits to the party are concerned following this development, of what the future will hold. One member named Darrel Johnson, who asked not to be identified, said, "...that without a group of gullible, ignorant people like the 'neo-Nazis' to follow, we will literally have to don a costume resembling a retarded sheep."

15 February 2006

Cheney Dons Coonskin Cap and War Paint, Claims: "Next Time, I'll Shoot To Kill!"

Vice President Dick Cheney's unfortunate 'accidental' shooting of 78-79 year old friend/aquaitance/friend again Whittington should come as no surprise now as it was revealed just hours ago that Cheney, Whittington and Hillary Clinton's lesbian lover were planning to launch long range Nuclear missiles at an undisclosed Chechnian province in the hopes of creating a new super-race of legless, spaghetti eating Zombies.

On the heels of this report comes the obligatory "non-denial" denial from the Veep's office where he stated: "I categorically deny any wrongdoing here. It is clearly stated in an Executive Order dated 1/14/06, that it is no longer the Commander-in-Chief's responsibility to develop the pasta loving undeads...it's mine." No further comment was available at press time.