The Chips Are Falling...The Greasy Ass Kettle Cooked Kind. You Know What I'm Talking About!

Breaking days of silence and brooding, U.S. Sen. of Virginia and stunning Danny Bonaduce lookalike, Jim Webb finally endorsed a call by fellow Democratic senators to pull most U.S. combat troops out of Iraq by next April.

The chips are falling! Now it's the honorable gentleman from Virginia, the rest of the Democratic senate, the rational U.S. citizens and every Republican with a soul that wants us out of Iraq...oh, and the Iraqi's too, but who's counting?

The Republicans are getting close to pulling off the filibuster (As a form of obstructionism in a congress or other decision making body, a filibuster is an attempt to extend debate upon a proposal in order to delay or completely prevent a vote on its passage) that the Dems could not when the decision to confirm Scalia's nomination to the Supreme court. The Dems need 6 more votes to break the filibuster and commence cloture (look it up yourself).

When they stand up we'll stand down my aching ass! Find out more about where the congress stands here.

Find out more about Danny Bonaduce here. Motherfucker's crazy!

An Open Suggestion To The Candidates and Their Delagates

On my main Google splash page I have a number of very useful widgets that help me get through my day. There are top headlines from the New York Times, The Washington Post, The Guardian UK and Wired News for the techno-weenie in me.

There is also a crossword puzzle from the fine folks over at puzzlerscave.com. It really sets my grey matter on fire in the early morning hours.

The most helpful item, however, is the "How To" section which links from help articles on WikiHow.com.

I ignore most of them, but I thought that one today would be helpful to the newest candidates on their quest for the polished marble and bloody hand prints of the white house. This little suggestion was third down on the list right after "How to crowd surf" and "How to spot fake DVD's".

While those are indeed important, this caught my eye: "How to be humble."

The page suggests various steps in the process. The first five are:

1. Appreciate your talents
2. Understand your limitations
3. Recognize your faults
4. Stop comparing
5. Appreciate the talents of others

These are good thoughts to keep in mind, candidates, as we start rolling towards this empty, hollow sham of an election. And if you can put down the unstrained grain alcohol and high powered black blotter acid long enough to consider the talents of people like Dennis Kucinich and Rudy Giuliani, it will be that much sweeter when you SMOKE THEIR ASSES!

Hooray for humility!

Did Someone Say Caption Contest?

I know those last two posts were a little too serious, so here's something a little more fun. Check out this picture...

...and give me your best caption! E-mail submission to www...

Oh, it doesn't matter because I have no prizes to give and won't even read the captions...but you should thank me!

Because of me you got to see a large inflatable pink penis costume wearing a chain-belt following an utterly confused Republican wearing a suit.

Say thanks!

Harriet Miers Is An Old Blue-Haired Bitch...But What A Badass!

Are you following the Attorney Firing's Scandal? Yes? No? Oh, I can hear what you're saying...it's too confusing...I can't follow it...I'm busy!

You've got some attitude you little prick! I just asked you a question. But you're right. It is rather complicated, and I don't feel like explaining it, so you can learn all about it here.

But, do you remember the ill-fated Harriet Miers? The former white -house cleaning lady (joking) who Bush nominated for the Supreme Court after she sodomized him (lying) with his horse-cock like member (it's just what I've heard).

Well the bitch is back! And...refusing to appear under subpoena before the House Judiciary Committee with regards to her knowledge of the illicit Attorney Firings.

According to Think Progress:

"In a letter sent to House Judiciary Committee chairman John Conyers (D-MI), George Manning, the attorney for former White House Counsel Harriet Miers, said that because of President Bush’s claim of executive privilege, “Ms. Miers will not appear before the comittee or otherwise produce documents or provide testimony as set forth in the Committee’s subpoena.” The Committee has previously warned that if Miers does not comply with the subpoena, she may face contempt of Congress."

Wow! What a hard-ass. But, to be fair...even if she is found in contempt and does go to jail...her boss and lover can just commute her sentence.

What a Country!

Meet Your Candidates! Part I, Section i.

First up, the Incumbent Junior Democratic Senator from Illinois. He's a Kenyan-American and grew up throughout the country and abroad including time in Hawaii and Indonesia. That's right, he's a darkish man...with dark eyes and hair and broad features and...well, black.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you know him, you love him, it's Sen. Barack Hussein Obama! He's cool and articulate...and um, eh-hem, "clean" according to Joe Biden.

And although it was my opinion that Al Sharpton gave a rousing speech at the '04 DNC and was leaps and bounds above the heads of Democratic opponents during that elections primary debates, come on...it's Al Sharpton.

So it's looking like this skinny black man, with a funny name (that the neo-cons wouldn't dare use to compare him to recently departed ass-head Sadam!) is looking like a front runner in the upcoming and ever so far away 08 presidential election!

He is in support of all the things a Democrat should be: a woman's right to choose, gun control, socialized medicine and "New Deal"-like welfare programs.

Learn more about the "Hoosier Daddy" (I'm not kidding) at his official website: here.

FAVORITE THING ABOUT HIM SO FAR:
It's not even really about him. Heard the slogan on the internet:

"Once You Go Black, We're Out Of Iraq"

Sure it's thinly racist and an extension of an ignorant long standing misrepresentation...but it's funny and it's true. It's funny cause it's true!

BEST QUOTE:

"I know that an invasion of Iraq without a clear rationale and without strong international support will only fan the flames of the Middle East, and encourage the worst, rather than best, impulses of the Arab world, and strengthen the recruitment arm of al-Qaeda. I am not opposed to all wars. I'm opposed to dumb wars. You want a fight, President Bush? Let's finish the fight with Bin Laden and al-Qaeda, through effective, coordinated intelligence, and a shutting down of the financial networks that support terrorism, and a homeland security program that involves more than color-coded warnings."

--Remark on His Official Web-Site

MY DREAM TICKET

That's right folks. It's time to give an old evil a
second chance. And it's high time we had a dead
Executive Branch!

Welcome Back!

Dear Kotter,

How I have missed you and your subtlety homo erotic mustache. You're the best teacher I ever had. There's some things I'm dying to tell you about the impending election. It's going to be a hog-fuck of monumental proportions with douche-nozzles galore. We've even got a woman this time who just might win, if the lesbian rumors do not persist. A moment of silence for our fallen sausage-fest! Hipp-Hipp-Horray! Welcome back to Kilroy Got Pigeonholed!

Love,

Belvedere

Micheal Savage Loves Gay Men!

Damnit! He actually hates them. I'll print a retraction sometime in the future...on page E12.

Senate To Hold Hearing On Violent Movies And Children...Is It April Already?

Because there is nothing better to do, busy-body, handy-capable Senators are preparing to hold committee hearings and issue ANOTHER report vis-a-vis Horror movies and their perceived effect on children.

Perceived effect? Yes, that's what I said. I jumped around articles on this one and have never seen any empirical study showing any correlation between exposure to violent images or salty language and the explosion of children.

That's what it must be. I mean, Congress wouldn't do this little dance once every other fucking year, if it wasn't making kids spontaneously blow-up, right? It's not just to whip up support for their party candidates in the '08 Presidential election, right?

Wrong! That's exactly it. Listen up Congress, every time you whip up this little frenzy over what kids can and cannot see to rub the nipples of your constituents, you drive them right to those evil, evil pleasures. Ask any kid, a CD with a parental advisory sticker is vastly more appealing than one without.

I'd love to get a copy of the love-letter the recording industry sent to the PMRC when their sales spiked.

And round and round we go. I'm off to see Dead Silence!

Glenn Beck Thinks Al Gore Is A Nazi? I Think Glenn Beck Digs Scat Porn...Hmmm.

On the March 22nd edition of CNN Headline News , Glenn Beck allowed Senator James Inhofe, a Republican douche-nozzle from Oklahoma, to completely flip Al Gore's testimony before the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works.

Beck, a bed wetter until he was 27, classicly likened Gore to Nazi Joseph Goebbels for his statement, during his testimony before the House Committee on Energy and Commerce, that he would initiate a "mass persuasion campaign" to urge Congress to act on the change in climate.

"BECK: It is really -- one of the things in it that I heard yesterday in his testimony that I thought was disturbing was this -- what did he call it? -- a massive persuasion campaign. That sounded a little bit like Goebbels or Gore-bels."

Well, spank me silly.

That makes sense. Hey, you WWII history buffs out there! Remember how after he was done using evil and fictitious propaganda to realign an entire Nation to the belief that an entire race, who are really funny and excellent with money by-the-by, were the source of that nation's strife and first in line for extermination he switched his focus to appearing before congress to rally support for the protection of our natural resources and our life support system itself?

You do? What the shit history books are you reading? This is such a short-cut-to-thinking strategy used by ignorant Pundits on both sides of the isle and it never gets anywhere.

Drawing any parallels between latter-day Politicians and the SS is completely meaningless. Nothing anyone today in America is capable of can hold a candle to the deplorable actions of the ruling German party during the second world war.

POST SCRIPT:

Glenn Beck is a prick and Bush is a Nazi!

Zsa Zsa Gabor's Husband Sues Bill O'Reilly...Is There Anyone He Won't Sexually Harass?

I really promised myself I wouldn't blog about A.N. Smith, because I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. But this is indirect enough and too laugh inducing to pass up.

According to CNN.com Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Frederic von Anhalt is suing Fox News and Bill O'Reilly because O'Reilly called him a fraud for claiming he could be the father of A.N.'s baby.

Can you believe how low O'Reilly has sunk? Is there anything he won't do to upset the father's of this, our brave America? How dare he! I honestly didn't think he would stoop so low as to actually comment at all on the affairs of some backwoods white trash piece of shit who nobody should care about and who hasn't deserved any of her exposure.

I couldn't care less about A.N. even if Ann Coulter stood over me spreading her beaver and telling me the only way she wouldn't squat is if I claimed to be in love with A.N. and that her stupid fucking show was my very favorite.

The best thing that bucket of yuck could've done for that kid was buy the farm. O'Reilly and every other talking head should be sued for Obscenity. Because the amount of coverage that jizz-jar has received for nothing at all is the only thing I've ever really found obscene.

Oh, and that Prince guy is asking for $10 million.

BTW: A.N. is Anna Nicole, but I promised myself I would only write it once.

Fox News Douche-Nozzle And Pundit Hannity Is Wrong...Again

Resident Fox artard Sean Hannity has a big problem with Sen. Hillary Clinton. So do I, but I have a good reason. It seems that Seanny-boy takes umbrage to this recent quote from Mrs. Clinton:

"If anybody tells you there is no vast right-wing conspiracy, tell them that New Hampshire has proven it in court. We have the -- we have the facts, and we're going to make that a crime."

Hannity was very, very hurt by the remarks. He is, as we know, a very large part of the vast right-wing conspiracy. As a matter of fact, it's his bread and butter. So the inference that his backward thinking nut ball ideology might soon be a crime was a little to much for him to handle.

"That was Hillary Clinton this morning with some pretty harsh words for conservatives. So, what does her hate speech really mean?" Hannity asked conservative pollster and douche-nozzle runner up Frank Luntz.

Is it really 'hate speech' one might ask? Well, One, no it is not. The 2002 phone-jamming scandal, in which Republicans had an Idaho telecommunications firm tie-up phone lines used by Democratic phone banks, resulted in two Republican operatives' pleading guilty to criminal charges, while a third was tried and convicted.

I often say Sean Hannity is the world's largest douche-nozzle. Is it hate speech? No. Why? because the truth can not be hate speech you douche-nozzle!

FYI: Hannity is responsible for this little nugget prior to the 2006 election:

"This is the moment to say that there are things in life worth fighting and dying for and one of 'em is making sure Nancy Pelosi doesn't become the speaker."

Worth dying for? Kind of sounds like he hates Nancy Pelosi. He was speaking. Hate...speech? What's a douche-nozzle to do?

Fox News: Unfair, Severely Unbalanced and Just Plain Fucking Wierd?

No words...

UPDATE: Roger Ailes, Chairman of Fox News, can now be seen on the sexy, sexy gay pornsight:

Fuckmenwholooklikehounddogsandhavebigjowels.com

News Outlets Drop Ann Coulter Like An Evil, Shrewey, Plastic, VD Ridden Bad Habit

NOSHITSVILLE, MD 11 March 2007 -- In the wake of Ann Coulter's super scary Neo-Con remarks at 2007 the Conservative Political Action Conference the 'conservative' author (plagiarist partisan-hack) has had her weekly column dropped by several print outlets including The Florida Times-Union, The Villages Daily Sun, Antelope Valley Press, The Pasadena Star News and others.

The remarks in question:

"COULTER: Oh, and I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards. But it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you use the word "faggot," so I'm -- so I'm kind of at an impasse, can't really talk about Edwards. So I think I'll just conclude here and take your questions."

The walking Herpes test tube also referred to former Vice President and imminent lady killer Al Gore as a "total fag" during the usual civil discourse on MSNBC's Hardball with Chris Matthews.

Matthews donned an 'Outbreak' suit to avoid direct contact with Coulter or her expelled breath. Coulter, who has at least 457 different Venereal Diseases many of which can only be contracted from Water Buffaloes, left early to have her daily thirty-two shot dose of Penicillin. Matthews remarked that he enjoyed having her on and that she was smart but, "...being smart isn't enough for a civil discourse."

Matthews immediately left the studio and plunged headfirst into a vat containing equal parts Ammonia, Bleach and Lysol where he remained for three days until Doctors confirmed he hadn't been infected by any of Coulter's cooties.

More as it develops...

EDITOR'S NOTE: I have just as much proof that Coulter is a VD farm as she does that either Al Gore or John Edwards are, eh-hem, "Fags." I do, however, have it on good authority that you can brick in her mouth for 25 cents. It's just what I heard...

O'Reilly Calls ACLU "Traitors..." Can't Wait Till He Gets Busted With Oxycontin

Bill O'Reilly thinks the ACLU are "Traitors." Then again, he also confused a 'loofah' with a 'felafel's' (sic) when sexually harassing one of his female producers.

Ahhhh...let the cultural majority and their war bring it the fuck on! I'm not afraid anymore! The fag-lib-hippies are bringing it all back home!

Hey Joe! Where You Goin' With That Apology In Your Hand?

Senator Joe Biden of Delaware is a personal favorite of mine. He is level-headed, concise and seemingly honest. He has long been criticized for being a fuck-what-is-long-winded. But you know what? Sometimes, important things take some time to say. Not everything is a talking point.

I was really pulling for the guy in 08. And he was the eighth Democrat to officially throw his hat into the ring for the Presidency today. And then this happened. Now, I think it's pretty clear that he was misinterpreted, but...and God Damnit Joe! Hire someone to make your comments idiot proof. You know how these things can get!

My ticket of choice at this point it Edwards/Obama. But who am I really?

Bat-Shit Televangelist Of The Week

Jerry-Fucking-Falwell. I have heard that since the Supreme Court Hearing that made Larry Flynt a 1st Amendment Hero, that he and Falwell have become friends. I don't know if that makes this guy better or worse. Oh, wait. Now I remember what he said after 9/11. Yeah, fuck him either way.

Ladies and Gents...you're Bat-Shit Televangelist of the DECADE!!!

Where Have All The Bamboo Cages and Water Torturers Gone?

Jon Stewart let us all down. It pains me to say it as much as anyone else. But he made John McCain seem something close to human.

McCain cozied up to all us twenty-somethings and created a vision of a moderate, feeling, thinking human-being simply because he was in the position to create one. Now he has hoped on the Bullshit express and decided to ride it all the way to Liberty University and the 2008 GOP Whitehouse.

Check this article out if you find my rage displaced.

Shame on you Jon Stewart! Shame! Sham... Oh, I can't stay mad at you... That face just melts my heart.

Critical Analysis Of New Iraq Strategy: We're Holy Fucked!

MAKEBELIEVETOWN, VA, 6 January 2007 -- Many of the newly seated Democrats in the 110th Congress are crying 'more of the same' as President Bush is making sublte announcements of a "surge" of troops heading to Iraq.

The surge as it stands is rumored to include five additional battalions or roughly 20,000 more troops.

"It's kind of like trying to shove ten pounds of rotten shit into a five pound bag." Said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. "That was actually one of Bush's best classes at Yale: "Making Shit Fit 101," he continued before most of the correspondents filed out to find a do-it-yourself shock treatment kit.

Bush did his best to assuage the doubts of law-makers and the nation by saying: "I will not commit resources to a strategy that is not working."

People around the country are currently preparing letters of appreciation to be sent to the President. One such letter from 78 year old Daphne Lestrange reads: "Thank you for your remarks. I haven't laughed like that since I was a little girl!"