British Historian "Dumbass" Denies Holocaust, Receives 3 Years In Austrian Prison

Stuffy, stupid, arrogant, coke-ridden, fat, whoremonger. No, that isn't Rush Limbaugh's current Resume. That is a description of equally conservative British 'historian' David Irving who has been jailed in Austria for denying the commonly accepted records of the Holocaust, going as far as to state publicly that there were no gas chambers at Auschwitz. Now, if this dickhead were in the U.S. I'd have a problem with his imprisonment. But as far as I know, Austria doesn't have a first amendment. So let 'em fry the shithead.

Oh, and by the way, like all conservative "idealists" he was quick to change his views on the Holocaust once he discovered he was facing up to ten years in prison.

As 10th Anniversary of The Fox News Channel Nears, Hack Bill O'Reilly Celebrates 10 Billionth Time Wrong

Bill O'Reilly celebrated his ten billionth time being wrong today in a stunning display of idiocy. Many on the left dismissed this momentous occasion as nothing more than a stunt intended to bring more attention to Fox News's upcoming tenth anniversary on the air. Progressive Radio Host Phil Lamman had this to say: "It's nothing more than bells and whistles at this point. No regular human being could ever possibly be wrong so consistently. O'Reilly is either functionally retarded, or an alien."

Many in the news world have long suspected O'Reilly of actually being Klomanid 6 of the God's Eye nebula, but have been unable to solidify any evidence thus far. One thing is for sure though, Bill O'Reilly's talents at misinformation, manipulation, distortion and ignorance are out of this world.

Conservative Draws Head Out Of Own Ass, Shocked To Learn Everything Still Smells Like Shit

A local conservative man today removed his head from his ass for the first time since current President Bush was 'elected' in 2000. He remarked at a press conference that he was horrified upon smelling a rose bush that it smelled like shit. After smelling various pungent items from potpourri to ammonia, he stated that he hopes to smell something other than shit by 2008.


In related news, Ted Stevens, the republican Alaskan Senator was caught in an embarrassing situation today when he was finally caught by a local man whom he'd been pissing on for over a year. The man, who asked to remain anonymous, said he'd felt the constant moisture on his back and had asked Ted Stevens about it, but that he let the matter go when Mr. Stevens assured him it was just raining. No word on what charges will be filed and when.

Nazi Rally Ruined When "Nazis" Realize They Are Neither German, Nor Workers

The American Nazi (or German Worker) party suffered tragedy today when leading party members came to the stunning realization that not one member was German or a "worker". Several members are currently collecting unemployment and/or welfare and are taking advantage of the experience to gain ammunition for their argument about the laziness of Hispanics and Blacks. Young new recruits to the party are concerned following this development, of what the future will hold. One member named Darrel Johnson, who asked not to be identified, said, "...that without a group of gullible, ignorant people like the 'neo-Nazis' to follow, we will literally have to don a costume resembling a retarded sheep."

Cheney Dons Coonskin Cap and War Paint, Claims: "Next Time, I'll Shoot To Kill!"

Vice President Dick Cheney's unfortunate 'accidental' shooting of 78-79 year old friend/aquaitance/friend again Whittington should come as no surprise now as it was revealed just hours ago that Cheney, Whittington and Hillary Clinton's lesbian lover were planning to launch long range Nuclear missiles at an undisclosed Chechnian province in the hopes of creating a new super-race of legless, spaghetti eating Zombies.

On the heels of this report comes the obligatory "non-denial" denial from the Veep's office where he stated: "I categorically deny any wrongdoing here. It is clearly stated in an Executive Order dated 1/14/06, that it is no longer the Commander-in-Chief's responsibility to develop the pasta loving undeads...it's mine." No further comment was available at press time.